Hello again,
I have have been reflecting of late on the last 7 years. The reason for this reflection was the recent finalisation of my divorce. Always a sad event regardless of circumstance. No matter what the reasons no one ever goes down the aisle with divorce as the end goal.
5 years ago in January 2008 I entered into a civil-partnership. I got "married" in Brixton registry office after a row both the night before and the morning of the wedding [given that Parliament have just passed legislation that we Gays can get married I refer to our "wedding" not the poor second best option of "ceremony"].
Our marriage never really took off. I came to learn the meanings of phrases that I never understood before: "sometime's love isn't enough" and "you have to work on relationships". I naively thought that if two people loved each other then it would all work itself out in the end. It didn't, and over the years I became bored of hearing my own voice say "we are getting there". We were on/off/on/off like a nightmare reality version of the Hokey Kokey. Friends got involved then spat out in the cross-fire and it was messy. We were in relationship counselling then I was in counselling on my own. Co-dependancy became a very familiar term.
During one of the major separations I was offered the opportunity to do some work on a project in Toronto. Two weeks became two months which ultimately became a very successful two years but when I in arrived in Toronto my confidence wasn't great but with the welcome shown by everyone I met and some Skype counselling I made lots of friends who were predominately in relationships.
The longer I spent in Toronto the more I saw the normal family orientated side of gay relationships rather than the "slash and burn" experiences of the London gay scene.
My friends were in involved with the Bike Rally and encouraged/badgered/dared me to take on the challenge of the 600 km bicycle ride. With trepidation/bravado/alcohol I agreed, bought a bike and started the training. After many falls and setbacks my self confidence and sense of achievement started to grow. I got fitter, my self esteem returned, I was raising money for a good cause and I felt good both physically and mentally. After 1 year of separation I contacted Edson.
We communicated and he came to Canada and made a fantastic film of the rally. It was one of the few "shared" experiences we had. This was probably the happiest time we spent together. We reconciled and he came to Toronto to live but alas the problems started again.
We returned to London via Singapore and with a heavy heart in March last year divorce was instigated. We had been trying to "get there" for 4 years: it was time to accept the inevitable, we weren't going to "get there". July 2012 arrives and once again, this time with my sons, head off for the 600 km challenge.
It was so good spending time with my boys. No TV, no computers. We had such a special time even if the little buggers were so fast and far ahead of me I insisted on a go-slow day. I think it fair to say we grew very much closer and I saw my "boys" as the young men that I was very proud of. A big accomplishment and a re-connection with those you love can help you keep things in perspective.
Everyone on the rally has a story. Some sad and of loss, some of survival and inspiration. Some issues and memories of long ago and some individuals dealing with very current developments in their lives. The rally is such a supportive place where everyone looks out for everyone else and consequentially, irrespective of the reason they are involved, many come back year after year. It is a very healing experience.
The point I am trying to make is that without the FFL Bike Rally and the friendships made there, I may well still be locked into the one/off destructive cycle of a co-dependent relationship or be maudlin about the last few years.
The sense of achievement, the ability to say "600 km - bring it on" and the accomplishment of raising over $20,000 is a very big stepping stone along the way to self respect, self reliance and towards the future with a grown up, emotionally equal relationship. If you don't respect yourself how can you expect someone else to, so do yourself a favour and give yourself reasons to respect and like YOU.
I said at the candle lit vigil last year that "the ride allows me to remember my friend and to educate my children". I need to add "and helped ME get back on the right path!"
The ride isn't just for the people PWA helps ... it also helps the riders and crew to help themselves. I wish both Edson, and myself, all the best for our respective futures.
Onward and upwards. As always, onward and upwards.
Please hit the big RED Button and sponsor us today: every $ counts.
TTFN
David
I have have been reflecting of late on the last 7 years. The reason for this reflection was the recent finalisation of my divorce. Always a sad event regardless of circumstance. No matter what the reasons no one ever goes down the aisle with divorce as the end goal.
5 years ago in January 2008 I entered into a civil-partnership. I got "married" in Brixton registry office after a row both the night before and the morning of the wedding [given that Parliament have just passed legislation that we Gays can get married I refer to our "wedding" not the poor second best option of "ceremony"].
Our marriage never really took off. I came to learn the meanings of phrases that I never understood before: "sometime's love isn't enough" and "you have to work on relationships". I naively thought that if two people loved each other then it would all work itself out in the end. It didn't, and over the years I became bored of hearing my own voice say "we are getting there". We were on/off/on/off like a nightmare reality version of the Hokey Kokey. Friends got involved then spat out in the cross-fire and it was messy. We were in relationship counselling then I was in counselling on my own. Co-dependancy became a very familiar term.
During one of the major separations I was offered the opportunity to do some work on a project in Toronto. Two weeks became two months which ultimately became a very successful two years but when I in arrived in Toronto my confidence wasn't great but with the welcome shown by everyone I met and some Skype counselling I made lots of friends who were predominately in relationships.
The longer I spent in Toronto the more I saw the normal family orientated side of gay relationships rather than the "slash and burn" experiences of the London gay scene.
My friends were in involved with the Bike Rally and encouraged/badgered/dared me to take on the challenge of the 600 km bicycle ride. With trepidation/bravado/alcohol I agreed, bought a bike and started the training. After many falls and setbacks my self confidence and sense of achievement started to grow. I got fitter, my self esteem returned, I was raising money for a good cause and I felt good both physically and mentally. After 1 year of separation I contacted Edson.
We returned to London via Singapore and with a heavy heart in March last year divorce was instigated. We had been trying to "get there" for 4 years: it was time to accept the inevitable, we weren't going to "get there". July 2012 arrives and once again, this time with my sons, head off for the 600 km challenge.
It was so good spending time with my boys. No TV, no computers. We had such a special time even if the little buggers were so fast and far ahead of me I insisted on a go-slow day. I think it fair to say we grew very much closer and I saw my "boys" as the young men that I was very proud of. A big accomplishment and a re-connection with those you love can help you keep things in perspective.
Everyone on the rally has a story. Some sad and of loss, some of survival and inspiration. Some issues and memories of long ago and some individuals dealing with very current developments in their lives. The rally is such a supportive place where everyone looks out for everyone else and consequentially, irrespective of the reason they are involved, many come back year after year. It is a very healing experience.
The point I am trying to make is that without the FFL Bike Rally and the friendships made there, I may well still be locked into the one/off destructive cycle of a co-dependent relationship or be maudlin about the last few years.
The sense of achievement, the ability to say "600 km - bring it on" and the accomplishment of raising over $20,000 is a very big stepping stone along the way to self respect, self reliance and towards the future with a grown up, emotionally equal relationship. If you don't respect yourself how can you expect someone else to, so do yourself a favour and give yourself reasons to respect and like YOU.
I said at the candle lit vigil last year that "the ride allows me to remember my friend and to educate my children". I need to add "and helped ME get back on the right path!"
The ride isn't just for the people PWA helps ... it also helps the riders and crew to help themselves. I wish both Edson, and myself, all the best for our respective futures.
Onward and upwards. As always, onward and upwards.
Please hit the big RED Button and sponsor us today: every $ counts.
TTFN
David
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